Up the Wall, through the Hutong and all around this Lovely place called China…
Look up in the Air… it’s a bird… it’s a plane…The Ft Lauderdale Air and Sea show??? Naw… its just that Wack job Chucky and the ever lovely Dragon Lady on their 24 hour marathon of flights back to the Good Ole U S of A.
Yes Dear Family, Friends and Innocent Bystanders… we’re back home and it’s time to wrap up the latest adventure of the Wacky American Tourist and the tchotchke driven, still Limpin’ but ever lovely Illy [a/k/a the Dragon Lady].
Warm up a cup of your favorite beverage… or pop the cap off a cold one, sit back and relax as we ramble on to the finish …yeah… as in all his final diatribes… this will probably be to be a long one.
It all begins with a chaotic scramble due to a faulty alarm to get to the Airport in time to be the next to last aboard our flight to Newark and spending a few great catch up minutes with a dear school chum there under the suspicious eye of the TSA just before boarding our connection to Beijing,
We headed East by Going West {?} flying over the North Pole [No Illy... your other North ] where DL gathered photographic evidence [so she claims] of Global warming which she has no idea what she’s gonna do with [lets not go there right now] .
We landed in Beijing where the very next day we stood in the Awesome Tiananmen Square feeling the history and enormity of the moment, then on to storm the gates of the Imperial City on the way to the Purple Forbidden City to feel the emotion of a dream realized.
Next we strolled through the wonderfully tranquil Bei Hai Park and trudged up Coal Hill in Jingshan Garden only to rush down the hill even faster for Chucky’s first experience with “the Hole”.
After we huffed and we puffed climbing the Great Wall of China, we relaxed along the Sacred Way and on to the Ming Tombs [only got to one… under repair].
The next stop was the totally serene Fragrant Mountain Park where not only the birds but people sang of the beauty, stopped for lunch and gave a little lesson in Sino/American currencies.
We visited the unbelievably grand but very foggy Summer Palace and skipped the depressing Gaobeidian village in favor of a delightful dinner with our guide Teng at a Southern China dancing show/dinner.
The Next day we ran through the Temple of Heaven, a Llama Buddhist Temple and Confucius’ own university and temple [again under reconstruction for the 2008 Olympics].
Spent the night in a Chinese Emergency room [total bill including Exam, x-ray’s, diagnosis, meds and cab fare = $85USD] all this after picking her up off the ground while hurrying to catch an outstanding acrobatic show where we held ice cream bars in lieu of an ice pack on the DL’s rapidly swelling knee.
The next day we saw more temples and towers and pagoda’s than we thought existed…which only scratched the surface….. Ran through the Temple of Heaven again [Dumbo Chucky blew the first days shootings], and then visited the Capitol Museum gawking at the history of this proud country and photographing the relics of the various dynasties. After we shot a whole roll of film on the Pandas in Beijing Zoo who posed so nicely, we climbed still another tower [damn they love to put everything up high!] and took “Mr. Toad’s Wild Rickshaw Ride” through the Hutongs of Beijing visiting a family there, only to walk ALL THE WAY BACK through the Hutong to a fiery Szechuan dinner.
We flew to Xi'an to see the Terra Cotta Warriors in their original tomb after first seeing how they were actually made, all after climbing another city wall in Xi'an [more damn steps] and got a lesson in Feng Shui along with two of the better meals on the trip but not much more.
A quick flight to Hangzhou took us to the True Garden Spot of the Orient, where we cruised on the West Lake and visited more Pagoda’s, Gardens, a Tiger Spring where we met the “Reincarnation of the Crazy Monk who snatched the Bride” [seriously…you cant make this stuff up] and more towers with lots of steps [did I mention the Chinese like LOTS OF STEPS?!?!?]then on to Huaqing Hot Spring [better know in the NOWAT’s as “Fat Ladies Baths”] and more Gardens.
Then we drove to Suzhou where still MORE gardens awaited us and got lessons in how to build one [yeah… like I got 5 acres in the middle of Hollywood to devote to a private rock garden… but they ARE really serene], had a great cruise along the Grand canal, which stretches from Beijing to Hangzhou and connects the 5 major Rivers in China and circles Suzhou in the process creating a natural city moat and then down another canal that was considered one of the Main streets of old Suzhou only to land at still another pagoda… this time a leaning one, home to a monk turned frog, guarding a well.
Then off on another long road trip to Shanghai, with Skyscrapers that rival New York City with more neon and light shows than Broadway, a leisurely stroll through another garden turned flea Market / mall for final tchotchke acquisition, a so-so lunch and on to one of the 4 sitting Jade Buddha temples in China with a bonus reclining Buddha conveniently placed at the entrance to the tchotchke hustle.
After a foot massage from the students of the Marquis de Sade school of foot torture…. Errrrr.. Ahhhh… foot massage, and a kings ransom in Bee Saliva and rare Tibetan Mountain Fungus {mushrooms} [I Am not going into that story again, but those who dare to ask WILL get a replay of the King Fu Docto's little grunting act] we enjoyed a delightful farewell dinner and yet another lovely night cruise on the grandly lit Huangpu river.
Bright and early the next morning we then got to run the gauntlet of Chinese customs and immigration as well as the newly beefed up Airport Security [three check points and more magic wands… they're practicing for the Olympics in 2008… just cant trust those Javelin and Discus throwers]. All so we could to shiver 13 hours in a Continental Airlines Meat Locker masquerading as and Boeing 777 and collapse happily exhausted in a our own bed.
Whew…. I'm out of breath just recalling just those highlights… and I'm sure some of you are sitting there mumbling something like,
“Hell Bozo… you could have done this first and saved me all that reading every night
when I could have been doing something equally as mind numbing…
like “re-runs of the Simpson’s Third Season, or
“National Geographic’s Ten Most Yucky Animals…
or root canal”,
But... you would have never gotten all the facts… the raw emotion… the intrigue… the chaos and pathos….the “what in the hell is he ranting about now” look from the one reading over your shoulder… and especially the joyful feeling of traveling with the Wacky American Tourist and the vertically as well as directionally challenged, but always Delightful Dragon Lady.But wait… there’s more after these few comments from DL.
Dragon Lady’s Notes & Observations…
There are probably more pictures of the Wacky Chucky, taken by bemused and giggling Chinese who apparently were getting a kick out of this “Fengtzi Meiguo” [Crazy American] running around with a camera strap full of film cartridges, and a camera in each hand shooting everything in site… especially cute babies. [OH MY GAWD does he have baby pictures!] They also loved getting their pictures taken with him and can you just imagine the stories they’ll have to tell when their friends ask "Ta Shi Shenmo Fengtzi Ren?” [Who is that crazy person?] And we used to make fun of the Japanese running around Disney World with a half dozen camera’s around their necks. They were also taken aback and then quite amused that he spoke to them in what our guide called flawless Mandarin. [Yeah… suck up for a big tip] Oh and By the Way, in spite of Chucky’s protestations, my new Chinese doctor is NOT A QUACK and Chucky WILL take his herbal medicine and like it!
OK….Enough of that… on with my final observations, travelers recommendations and the Real Wrap-up.
Dining in China is a delight… as long as you have some idea of what you’re eating… then again in some cases… better you don’t know, but the beer was good!
The problem with travel agency programmed meals is that most of the lunches are at or near some factory or tchotchke hustle with the emphasis on the hustle, not the food. [Can you say kick-back?] Only a few lunches stood out, aside from the economics lesson at the buffet after the Summer Palace but several dinners hit the highs, especially a great Peking Duck [in Peking of course], the lovely Tang Dynasty Dinner and show followed by a superior Dumpling banquet in Xi'an, and the delightful but very spicy farewell dinner in Shanghai.
There were also the lows, especially The Gentleman’s hotel “dinner fiasco”, but we’d rather dwell on the positive side of the trip. And of course only if you really have a really wild sense of adventure [or a burning wish to spend the night calling you friend “RAAALLLFFFF” on the porcelain phone] probably not a good idea to eat off the street vendors.
And a few travel hints, some of which were passed on to us by Sister Jewel who made the trip a couple of times. These are a must for any traveler to the Far East whether it’s Beijing, Bangkok, or Bali.
1. Hand sanitizer. Get one of those individual bottles that hook onto your purse or camera strap so you can sanitize often and a large one to refill it [you can use the rest at home]… the hygiene in the high end spots is good, but rural… not so good and you don’t know if you just handled a new head cold.
2. Pocket sized baby wipes, pocket Kleenex, and toilet seat covers, all available at Walgreens, etc. In many high end cases there might be one western style commode [seat cover] in the line up, but more than not you will be faced with ”the hole” [in which case the seat cover is useless]. Just don’t slip off the nifty little foot markers. Some have hand rails to hold onto for balance and some don’t [Sanitizer!!!] and most don’t have any form of paper [pocket Kleenex and Baby wipes] Baby wipes are also good for wiping down surfaces you touch briefly but you may want to take a small pack of Windex handy wipes.
3. Bottled water, you need to hydrate a lot as you will do lot of walking in some very smoggy towns. Find a local market or kiosk and stock up on lots of medium sized bottles for the car or bus and your hotel room, it is 1/10th the price you'll pay in the hotel sundry shop or mini bar. Some hotels charge for it, some don’t but then it’s usually just a couple of small bottles in the bathroom.
4, And of course DO NOT under any circumstances, drink the water, anywhere, unless it comes out of a sealed bottle. This includes your hotel room or a fancy restaurant. This goes for ice as well. While in most cases the Hotel uses purified water to make the ice, you can’t be sure, especially in a strange restaurant. [Again, remember Dear “RAAALLLFFFF”] Drink beer and wine and wait till you get home for that Scotch on the Rocks.
5. Bring AC plug adapters of all shapes [there is a good multi plug converter and through plugs at Brookstone.com] and most of your travel appliances now have 120/240 switches.
6. Pack a mini blow dryer and be prepared to dry you hair at the writing desk [the only plug in the bathroom is for shavers only]
7. Haggle [bargain] for anything and every thing you seek to buy. Only in certain high end stores and factory outlets is the price firm, [well, sometimes] for everything else, start at 20% of the price quoted and then walk away. They will chase you with a hand calculator begging,”You Say”. Put in your 20% offer and watch them counter. You may have to meet them at 25-30% if you really want it, but with a good “Fred Sanford & Sons” fake heart attack routine and a firm shake of the head at anything else…you WILL get it at your price.
8. Convert your cash to the local money, the airport is good, but if you rely on ATM’s or hotels, stick to the big cities… rural banks don’t deal with foreign banks. Yes they all want American dollars but you do get a better deal haggling and paying in their currency because you'll always take the hit by the time they convert it on the street. The factories have cashiers with the exchange posted. Big Deal!
You can always exchange your excess at the airport.
Forget about what you may have thought or heard about political oppression and angry residents. The Chinese are warm lovely people who are sincerely happy to see you and of course they want your money. It is a wide open country to travel that is encouraging more to learn even rudimentary English [however it does help to speak even a little Mandarin or have a guide] and they are hungry for exposure to the Western culture.
My heartfelt thanks to my Best Friend and Partner in life, the indomitable and ever lovely Illy for allowing me this detour on our road to happiness and for being by my side for this FABULOUS trip of a Lifetime. Checking off #7 on my life list "Walking the Wall" will forever remain a glowing highlight of my life that was 40 years in coming.
And… not a moment too soon it now appears.
In answer to the several emails requesting clarification about my “condition” here goes…
Those who know me well know that for 25 years I smoked like a chimney and didn't hold back on the adult beverages either. While I quit smoking cold turkey 20+ years ago and cut back on the booze, it apparently caught up with me anyway.
In March of this year after scheduling this trip and preparing to fly to Houston for our Visa’s, I went to see my E.N.T. Doctor about a throat irritation that I attributed to my chronic sinusitis. Silly me… 3 days later I was diagnosed with stage 3 Squamous Cell Carcinoma and they immediately took out my left tonsil, tumor and all; which would have been fine had the damn stuff not spread to the adjacent lymph node. They then informed me that I needed Radiation treatment for 6 weeks/5 days a week, in conjunction with Chemotherapy to kill the little bugger.
Now the dilemma… do I postpone the trip, have the treatment and go to China in 9-10 weeks later, in the June or July Heat, with no guarantee that I would be able to keep up the rugged pace of the tours… [Which we now know were a bit trying at times].
Or do I, much to the disapproval of all my Oncologists at Memorial Cancer Center and my primary Physician, move the trip up a week and have the treatment after I return.
Yeah… you know the answer to that one.
We went… and so did you! [wellllll….sort of]
Sooooo…. Here I sit in Procedure Room 2 of the Memorial Cancer Center Chemotherapy Treatment ward with tubes hanging from my mouse hand and a toxic substance coursing through my veins as I finish the wrap up of my trip of a lifetime.
I really did start this on April 30th but the week was filled with whirlwind doctor visits, the start of Radiation [no Greg… I will not be glowing in the dark anytime soon] and prelim to the Chemo.
Now before any of you start to get maudlin on me…know this…I WILL BEAT THIS THING! I'm in a great state of mind [no Not a New York State of Mind dammit] and still have my usual warped but positive, upbeat outlook. I have had a blessed life up to now, the most incredible woman by my side, 3 wonderful sons and lovely daughter-in-law, a beautiful grandson, more great friends than any man should be allowed, and a career that lasted 50 years where they allowed me to do exactly what I loved doing [and they actually paid me to do it] so this is just another speed bump in a truly awesome ride.
A good friend once told me, and I believe it to this day, “If you wanna see God laugh… tell him YOUR plans!”, but as the title of that old French song goes, “Je survivrai” [I Will Survive].
So that’s about it kiddies. We hope you’ve enjoyed traveling with the Wacky American Tourist and the always patient, but tchotchke mad Dragon lady as they traveled West to get East [or was it actually North to go South] for:
Answers to the Ancient Mysteries of the Orient
A Walk on The Great Wall
Some damn good Tchotchke bargains…
and a couple bottles of good local Beer.
We had an incredible journey! And hope you did to… but remember, the travelin’ and the NOWAT’s ain't stoppin’ here…oh no…
Besides the romp around the USA in a Winnebago [or something like it] promised to the Dragon Lady on her retirement [which if the new AT&T rumors are true may not be too far off] I also made a promise to Zhang Teng in Beijing that I will return in ten years to introduce his son to my grandson Charlie [real name: David Gregory Chouinard] who I call Charlie after his Great-Grand-Father because I AM the stubborn Little Sicilian Man! And it irritates his Grand Mother. Of course Teng has to marry that cute little girl in Beijing first and have kids … but hey… he’s got 10 years to get it done.
We leave you with our usual parting NOWAT Benediction, and look forward to your comments, critiques, and/or Bronx Cheers… which ever you feel appropriate. But hey… it could have been root canal.
Work like you don’t need the money.
Love like you’ve never been hurt.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
And during life's darkest moments remember the 4 most important words in any language:
"This Too Shall Pass!"
再见朋友
Zài Jiàn Péng-You
Chuck
and the finely over her jet lag but willing to do it all over again tomorrow,
Dragon Lady
